This was before I had any concept or knowledge of chakras or energy fields...and a lot of times, I used my abilities out of fear or self-preservation, and side-effects included codependency, emotional entanglement, conditional love and losing my sense of self, etc.
I was supporting others to feel good at the expense of my own needs and feelings, I put their needs above my own which allowed me to feel safe. It was a desire to keep the harmony, but it was the only way I knew how...controlling to the best of my ability other people's emotions.
Because my energy field was wide open and I didn't have tools -- I would get triggered by other people's energy and I felt out of control of my own. I felt at the mercy of my surroundings.
I could subtly sense when I did something that someone didn't like. I would go out of my way to correct it or balance their energy field so we could be in harmony again. This was doubly driven by a childhood wound around being safe by not 'rocking the boat' in any way.
How did this look?
- I would be happy one moment and angry or agitated the next.
- I wouldn't want to go to places that were crowded, it felt overwhelming.
- I felt really tired after visiting with people.
- Sometimes, didn't even look like myself for awhile after spending time with others.
- I would find myself saying things not natural to me (other people's energy in my space).
- Whatever someone else felt, I felt. Then I tried to 'heal' them, so I could feel better too.
- I started shutting down my senses / shrinking my energy field as a coping mechanism (unconsciously).
- I had bouts of depression, where I would need to hibernate from the world and avoid all contact with people for long stretches of time.
- Sometimes, I would go above and beyond to meet expectations (living out other people's wishes for me).
- Sometimes, I would continue to do things I didn't want to in order to keep the peace (codependency, living other people's wishes of me).
- Sometimes, I would purposely fail or put myself down so that others would not feel threatened by me (keeping myself small so I could be safe).
- Sometimes, I would just stop showing up completely when I didn't know how to make the situation better (avoidance, passive aggressive behavior).
What did I need to learn?
- To discern my energy from someone else's.
- To let go of needing to change someone else's energy so I could be comfortable.
- To take responsibility for my energy field, and mine alone.
- To notice when my energy started to shift and feel empowered to course correct (inside-out vs. outside-in).
- To hold the energy field of my choosing, and to continue to hold it as I move through the world.
- To accept the spectrum of emotions, and learn to shift how I responded to triggering behaviors.
- To feel safe even if others don't approve of me (personal learning).
How did I get through it?
This happened in layers gradually over the years, so the below is a high-level summary of the healing work...
- Energetically, I dissolved the old pictures, beliefs, current/past life traumas around the topic (energy work).
- Mentally, I did a lot of journaling, quieting and expanding the mind through meditation and study, creating affirmations.
- Physically, I became aware of when I was behaving in a disempowered way (using specific scenarios), so I could create a more empowered strategy to try the next time.
- Emotionally, I processed the repressed fear and guilt I had accumulated around this (using a variety of emotional processing techniques).
Note: Sometimes you don't need to go through all (4) areas to heal...and certainly now, healing can be quicker and more effortless!
And I learned energetic and emotional tools, which I believe is so, so important.
If you are interested in learning some of these tools, keep reading my blog (and check out the archive). You can also check out my services and workshops here.
If you care to share the tools you've learned over the years, we'd love to read about them in the comments below!
To your success,