When I finally got to the place I could say goodbye to mine, it presented itself as 'The Watcher' (which is why I'm just using that)...the one who was watching my back all those years, so that I wouldn't mess up around my parents, other adults, my friends, etc... pretty much everyone I came across.
During the reflection process, I realized 'The Watcher's' style of communicating to me was a lot like my more dominant parent: authoritative (one 'right' way, which was their way :-P), a little impatient, exacting, with an air of disappointment that I needed to to be told, etc. (the disappointment hurt the most).
Now, my parents were doing the best they could... the reason I brought this up was just to show how I had internalized their style of reprimanding when I created 'The Watcher'. It's whole existence would enable me to be at the center of as little conflict as possible. So I could be accepted, feel safe...and not given away (deep fear).
It's motto? "As long as you are accepted, you will be okay."
'The Watcher' was why I was so hard on myself while not having such thoughts towards others. I was very self-conscious. I was so concerned with how I was being received by others. I ended up using my multi-sensory abilities unconsciously (e.g. intuition, telepathy, clairsentience) to help 'ensure' I would be accepted/liked by others. If someone didn't like me, it was a deep wound that I couldn't let go of easily. I would re-play things and wonder why? What did I do wrong? I should have known better...or I'd make them wrong and resent them... Yikes :)
I was looking from the outside-in for a good portion up my upbringing and early adult life.
What other people thought of me had more power over what I thought of myself... over what I wanted or needed. Meeting other people's needs took precedence over my own.
Other side-affects included:
- I gave my power away to every stranger on the street -- how they received me could make my day great or terrible
- There was so much built-up anger and resentment within me...towards myself...towards 'The Watcher' who was me...for being bullied and also having my wishes/needs ignored all those years
- I wasn't fully in my body -- I wasn't comfortable in it with 'The Watcher' around -- I had little sense of self and was out of touch with my emotions (I was also pretty clumsy because I wasn't fully present in my body -- except when playing sports)
- I took other people's opinions over my own, so I didn't trust myself or my own inner guidance when it was different from outside views
- I needed the people I cared about to agree with me
- I built a layer of physical protection (body fat) to protect myself from... me! Interestingly, after I was living on own ('The Watcher' went on high-alert). And also because I was unhappy with me a lot of the time, and not processing my emotions in a healthy way (because I was not fully in my body to be aware of how I felt a lot of the time)
- I had to learn to untangle what I really wanted to do for others for the joy of it and what I was doing to be accepted by others (which can lend towards manipulation or co-dependency -- doing something to make someone else happy so that you can feel happy)
- It took me a long time to understand unconditional love
You can imagine too, I attracted certain experiences/relationships/illnesses to show me how I was treating/ignoring myself, so I could learn to break the cycle...
And learn instead to:
- Gently accept myself
- Be open to receive more joy, love, acceptance, abundance
- Love myself just as I am now (vs a future idea of me)
- Balance giving / receiving
- Come into more balance on the physical plane (vs just developing the spiritual / mental planes)
- Step into my personal power
- Trust myself and my intuition
- Listen to my body and act on its needs/wisdom
- Let go of controlling how others perceive or receive me
- Accept other people have a right to their opinions...which reflect where they are at in the moment (vs. a reflection of me)
- Control my thoughts
- Process my emotions in healthier ways
- Live more consciously as Spirit-in-a-body
So I profoundly thank 'The Watcher', while also irrevocably bidding it, "Goodbye. Adieu. Ciao. Au revoir. Farvel!". :)
Immediately after doing so, I noticed I felt more expanded, more relaxed in who I was...I felt more comfortable in my body as I was fully in my body for the majority of the day. It felt great! I noticed I wasn't as self-conscious. I was making more noise, I took up more space as I went out and about...I got so caught up into the music I was listening to I even danced a little as if no one was watching! It was because I was living at long last from the inside-out... I also noticed I was a little more nervous than usual...I realized I had 'The Watcher' all those years giving me a sense of security, so experiencing how it was to be in the world without anyone telling me how to be was a little nerve-wracking at the beginning. Whenever I felt nervous, I just reminded myself "It's safe to be me." "I love me just as I am." "It feels great being me!" "I accept myself just as I am!"
How I went about saying "Goodbye" is something I still need to formulize / make concise / create a process that captures the essence of what I did over a longer period of time. I will share that when I do!
However, if you are interested in learning a process specifically tailored for you, I encourage you to set the intention to yourself to do so, and see what comes up during meditation or as you go about your life (e.g. what books you come across, any healers you are drawn to, divine inspiration, etc.).
And as always, if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me or leave a comment below!